My Life Before Christ

 There are two types of testimonies in the life of a Christian: that of one’s life before meeting Christ and the testimony of God’s work after meeting Christ. In this post, I’m going to share part of my life before Jesus saved me.  So just know my after-Christ story is a bit more glorious. So, here it goes…

 My birth was neither planned nor wanted.  My parents got pregnant with my older brother when they were 17 years old and were obligated to get married. Twelve months and 2 days later, I arrived. By the time I was 5, violence in our home finally tore my parent’s marriage apart. With my dad out of the picture, we grew up poor and without luxuries. The shoes I wore were not my size and I never had cool clothes or toys. Sometimes mom wouldn’t eat so that my brother and I could have dinner.

 My dad was absent for a big part of my life after the divorce. During that time my mother had to work to support us so while she was gone, my brother and I would spend all afternoon at my cousin’s house. I was in kindergarten and too young to know what was really happening when my cousin abused me. It was supposed to be a secret and a game so, in my naivety, I believed it. It lasted a few months and I didn’t understand what had happened until years later when, in a sexual education class in elementary school, they explained to us what molestation is.

 My mom didn’t believe me when I told her and I had no father to confide in. Sure, I had a few stepdads throughout my childhood but never a father to provide shelter or a safe place for me. I had no one.  So left all alone with my shame, I started hating myself and everyone else. I quickly became depressed, angry and felt so unloved.

 I heard about God a few times before - from few different religions. So many rules and restrictions to receive love from God made as much sense as to blame Him for everything I felt. So I decided to become an atheist.

 I learned to drink my pain away by following my second stepfather’s example. Finally, my alcohol problem got out of control at age of 15. That got me kicked out of home to start finding my way through a life that went on and on into a self-destructive cycle.

 Suicide seemed the only way out many times in my life. It became more and more appealing and almost became my final path until I got saved. Not by a religion or a church but by a loving Father. I’ve never been the kind of kid that a parent would feel proud of, but this wasn’t like any parent I have had. He took away my shame, my hate, and my solitude. My life made sense. Pablo Olivares’s testimonial movie made me understand that if God could restore someone like him He might as well restore me, and He did! I had to get rid of my pride and accept that my life was going nowhere without Him. That wasn’t easy at all but from that point on my life has been worthy. It was not easy but He was there all the way through the profound healing and the deep restoration with His endless love and forgiveness.

 A few months after I accepted Christ I wrote a song. While it may not be the best song ever written, it has significant meaning to me. Music has always been an outlet for me and when I was an atheist, I wrote and sang about my hatred to God so writing this song was the first time I remember worshipping God with all my soul. I really hope that my testimony and this song speak to you in your walk with the Lord. Remember, whoever you are, wherever you are, no matter what you've done, God's will is to forgive you, love you and heal you. I have translated the lyrics since it’s in Spanish so that you can comprehend better what it stands for. You can play the song at the bottom of the page! 

Clamor (Cry Out)

Take what’s hidden in this heart

I’m exhausted, can´t deal with this pain any more

Forgive me for saying I didn’t need you

Give me your peace Lord, you’re what I was looking for

I’ve walked for so long, come carry me

Wipe my tears away, come hug me

Heal my past, come touch me

I’ve never missed you so much

Show me the way out of this maze

You know I’m not lying, I am sorry

Take this heavy mask off of me

Give me your strength Lord, without you I can’t go on

I’ve walked for so long, come carry me

Wipe my tears away, come hug me

Heal my past, come touch me

I’ve never missed you so much

I will believe in you

Help me carry on

I will live in you

No more fear of dying

I will trust in you

No more pain within

I will live in you

No more fear of dying